But……he hasn’t hit me……yet.
It’s ok that he demands me to not speak with this person, or wear these clothes, or not go out at night without him…….because he loves me.
He must really love me when he’s texting me throughout the day, and calling me to ‘check in’ check up, on me. Where are you? What are you doing?. It’s ok that he gets angry every time I talk about my male friends, it’s nice that he ‘cares’ enough to be jealous, it makes me feel that I’m special, I’m important to him, that’s why he gets angry.
It’s ok that he took my car key and locked me in the house all night, physically not letting me leave, throwing me on the couch and spitting on me, not letting me use the toilet, unless he was present……..because he hasn’t hit me….. Yet.
It’s ok that I’ve moved homes six times in my most important year at university, because deep down I can continue justifying this behaviour to myself, because he hasn’t hit me…………..yet.
He’s just showing me how much he loves me.
It’s ok that he gets in a rage when drunk and buys me flowers the next day, all apologetic to my bruised hands that’s have battered the floors and walls, begging for someone to hear my unanswered calls to just………. “let me out, HELP, let me out, HELP”,
but then find myself apologising to the neighbours the following morning, for the horrendous noise last night.
Everything’s fine……honestly.
It’s ok that I don’t see my friends anymore, because he tracks my movements and questions me on arrival, it’s ok that I’ve stopped circuit training and socialising outside the home. It’s ok that he calls me a “spastic” and tells me “no one can understand me, stop speaking to everyone” because the only people I see now, are his friends and him.
“Why do you work so much?, I never see you” “It’s not my fault you fucked up your face, by getting drunk and hitting your head in an accident, “ya brain dead bitch, ha hahahah look what you’ve done to yourself, no one else would have you,
look,
even your own friends on Facebook mock you, wanna see?”
But it’s ok, he undermines me, my personal relationships and feeds my known shared intimate insecurities, of inner turmoil, creating further chaos within, by stunting my healing journey, and hindering self growth. Because he loves me…….. he hasn’t hit me……..yet.
“What ya doing sitting in knee high snow, smoking a joint, rather than at home?” Have you seen how much weight you’ve lost? Have you seen the bold patch of hair on your forehead? why are your palms so wet? Where are your friends? You don’t speak anymore why? Why’s your items going missing from the house? Why is there no food in the house?”
What’s happened to………you? Where are……. you?
That bubbly, bright, wild, beautiful, woman that I know is in there, that you’ve chosen too dull, in order to allow this hate and hurt, to shine ……why do you keep going back?
Because he’s apologised, because he says he’s going to change, because you love him, because he’s threatened to commit suicide if you don’t come home, because he says he’s nothing without you, because he’s locked your possessions in his cupboard, because he’s sold your jewellery, because he’s ripped up your child memorabilia in the hope you’ll forget who you are, because, because, because, because ……he hasn’t hit you……yet.
Can you see the shell of you……… yet?
Can you see the most important piece of your solution, lies within your own mindset of …….but I don’t deserve more.
Can you see this ideal picture, ideal person, ideal life that you have in your minds eye does not genuinely exist in reality? Love can be blind, are your blinkers up now?
Do you now see the shell you’ve become sweetheart and know the love you do not want? Or are you still in the drama circle of trust me, love me, and justifying this behaviour because……..he hasn’t hit you……..yet?
Can you see your sense of self worth, self love, self acceptance, lends aim to, and feeds another’s hurtful anger or passionate loving, fire?
How much longer will you put up with this abhorrent behaviour of another human towards you, before you recognise what love, is, not!?.
When will you start genuinely sticking up for yourself and assertively stop accepting these energies in…….once they hit you? or before?
Love is light, length, strength of another. It helps, it heals and can hurt. Healing hurts, change hurts, the truth can hurt, there are hard times in life, because there isn’t one without knowing the other. Is the person building you up, or breaking you down? Are they saying this to help you heal and grow, by breaking you, in order to open you up to the magical space within you?. Or to put you down and ‘keep you in your place’? Are they interested in you and your life, or only what you can give them?
Can you see the signs now sweetheart, before it ever reaches the first kiss? Can you give yourself time to heal alone, rather than moving onto the next circled mess. Can you give yourself, respect, love, gentleness, kindness and patience to build YOU back up? To really get to know you, warts and all and see how amazing, you truly are.
To really understand the love you receive starts within you, with your choices in perception, of acceptance. To see within your sense of self surveillance of beliefs and needs, in the person you are, instead of the ideal. To know through actions of oneself and towards others, the ripple effect, in subconsciously feeding into the mindset of the people, you choose to surround yourself with, what kind of love you ‘accept’.
Have you reset your bar yet?
A bar in being, that will only keep growing, rather than shrinking YOU and your sense of self.
Do you see your worth? and now know that you are enough, just as you are.
Do you love yourself yet?
Why did you leave him?……..because……….he hit me.
Domestic Abuse helplines
If you are reading this and are experiencing domestic abuse, please know there is help out there.
The links and contacts are below.
